Dear Alliance readers,
Please excuse my absence for the past several days. I would like to say that I have been busy, and to some extent I have been. I have been busy making bad life decisions. I have been doing this for a while.
We all go through it from time to time. We feel lost and helpless. I can identify the root of my problem, but just can not eliminate it. Perhaps it is because the problem is virtually ghost. It is virtually non-existant, and invisible to the naked eye. It is an intangible problem, that just will not allow a solution. It is frustrating, exhausting, and everywhere that I look, even in my dreams.
I want to find myself, to reinvent myself. To find and strengthen exactly what it is to be me. My job does not make me overly unhappy, but it does hinder my ability to attain my goals. My job performace has struggled as of late, seemingly because I can not focus. I am haunted by something, and myself. I want to quit my job and find happiness. I am scared of security for myself, and of things that are new. What if I can't find anything else? What if I am just stuck? What if these realizations bind me to my current situation?
I am terrified of the future and even more so of the past. Is this any way to live your life? I think not. What is a guy to do though?
I will try to regain some fascade of normalcy and return to being a member of the best blogging experience in the world - The Blog Alliance.
Stay tuned.
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6 comments:
We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come. Therefore there really isn't ever any wrong choices because we have nothing and won't ever have anything to compare them to. Whatever your other choices, they could have always turned out much worse...
Hang in there.
very nice kohler.
this was a very existential post. certainly this last year has not been kind in several areas and i know how down you feel about certain aspects...i've been there too. it hurts and it hurts and then you hit the bottom and it seems pretty bleak. then things start to hurt less and less and it starts to slowly get better.
i'll quote swingers, since it was on the other day and hit me kinda hard. it seems to be relevant to some of your situation...
She was a sweet girl but fuck her. You gotta move on. You gotta let go of the past. The future is so beautiful....I mean, each day you think about it less and less. And then one day you wake up and you don't think of it at all, and you almost miss that feeling. It's kinda weird. You miss the pain because it was part of your life for so long.
i agree with kohler, you never know if a choice is going to be bad or wrong so all you can do is try. good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement. this crap you're going through will end and it will get better. it really will.
plus you have awesome friends who will do anything at the drop of a hat for you. let me know what i can do and i'll do it.
i was just about to post an "i miss you" blog, but you got to it first. it's nice to have you back and jukebox dominating the blogosphere.
unfortunately some problesm are incapable of resolving themselves w/out massive amounts of soul searching and second guessing. as you know there is no quick solution to your situation, it will take time. and as andy said, you are not alone. i think we are very lucky in the fact that we have amassed a core group of friends that has remained close for so long. i think this is extremely rare.
it is ok to question where your life is and where your life is going. this is normal. and no matter how old we feel (jay bud is 16 now), you are still young, feel free to reinvent yourself.
if you are working in brighton, give me a call. i will be pretty busy for a while w/ exams and shite, but you are welcome to come over for diner or something. katherine and i cook like we are feeding 6 anyways.
i take all the shit back. apparently there is a quick solution. it was provided in a comment to the previous post. just follow that link and make some extra cash. money = happiness.
Today my contracts prof told me that I need to trust myself to be the person I want to be. I'm pretty sure it was in relation to the exam I've been freaking out about, but I thought it was pretty good advice all the same.
i wish i had advice to share...
but the only advice i've heard recently is a speech my patient care prof gave the class about how "we're not in kansas anymore," (now that i think about it, it wasn't really advice as much as a semi-nice way of saying "grow-up you're on your own now") so that doesn't really help seeing as it just made my class more pissed off at my prof.
p.s. kohler i quoted you yesterday
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