Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed. Maybe a tad bit angry, but not depressed.
Something hit me this morning as I started my workout at 4:50am. I don't know exactly why, or where it came from, but there it was right in front of my face, staring me down.
It occurred to me that I can't remember the last time I tried....at anything. Everything I do is half-assed, or less perhaps.
Once this hit me, (as I coasted through my workout), I tried to put it into perspective. Hmm.... where to start. Maybe the one glaringly obvious area. Relationships. I think my first real one ever, got perhaps 75% of my effort. It was perhaps my most successful to date, unsurprisingly. I think overall, my last one got 62% of my effort. Guess what? It would seem that it was the second most successful. Putting it into perspective though, it was perhaps the least successful, almost by design. The others scattered in there, especially throughout college got maybe (37% tops, probably more realistically 32% of my effort. It is no wonder why I felt so unfulfilled for so long.
Speaking of college, that is area number two. More generally, education period. I think the last time I tried in school was 6th or 7th grade. I got excellent grades throughout high school, until my senior year where I slipped a class or two out of apathy. College got maybe 35% of my effort. Don't get me wrong, I would classify my college GPA as mildly successful. I can only imagine what it could have been if effort would have been exerted, or where that would have led me. When I entered college, I was pre-law. After a year of that, (underclassman studies) , I dropped that and switched over to accounting. I have always said that it is because I didn't like the pre-law program, which is true, but I fear that is barely a part of the whole of the reason I switched.
Area number three: Friendships. I will admit that I am a terrible friend. I have no choice but to admit that. I would say that I am a half-assed friend to 95% of my friends or acquaintances. It is pretty sad, considering some of the great people that I know. I would like to make excuses up about time, convenience, and other lame things. I won't do that for now, since I already blew my cover and labeled them excuses.
There are also other areas that I would consider calling my effort lackluster. The largest remaining one is my health and body. This ranges from physical aspects to mental ones. Beyond that stand the opportunities I have had in my jobs, my move to Dallas, my lack of grad school interest or more accurately, initiative, my transparency as far as many family aspects are concerned, etc. etc.
I think that that amid this whole realization it is fair to say that there is one common theme. I would like to expand, but it is time to go to work, so that will have to take place in part II.
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7 comments:
personally, i dont think anyone that is working out and undertaking self-examination at 4:50 in the morning is half-assing anything. i am curious how you came up with your percentages though.
i agree with chris and i am curious as well about the percentages.
my thought is if you're thinking about that stuff then you are much better off than most folks.
i find you to be an excellent friend. when we hang out there is no half assing going on. as a matter of fact i can't think of a time when we have not made the most of any situation we have been in. and if we're talking about poor friends, how many times have i bailed out of things for one reason or another? that ain't too good. so if you are not putting it all into friendships, then no one should probably be my friend. but i thank everyone for being my friend...like the golden girls' song.
you work very hard at work. i remember you putting in 100 hour weeks at both red lobster in high school and then at aztecnologies or whatever that place was called.
if i understand correctly, the 62% effort was in the most recent relationship. well that was 100000% more than the counterpart...in my opinion.
it's always good to be self-reflective but don't sell yourself short.
i think you're cute too....and i know some other folks that do as well
your statistical analysis is impressive, but I'm afraid the success, quality duration, etc. of relationships with the opposite sex are not a good judge of character or anything you are concerned with. If they are, then I suck...which is probably true anyhow, but that's a different story.
you have a very successful job and seem happy with it. to me that seems like something to be proud of.
and finally, I consider you a good friend even though I see you once in a blue moon. that takes dedication on your part, because I'm not that easy to be friends with, especially not being in contact very often.
so you might want to reassess your situation at a decent hour. last time I was awake at 4:50am, I just woke up from a dream about hamburgers and had an erection.
Evaluating reasonable accounting estimates at the fund level of governmental financial statements is becoming my forte. I applied that knowledge and fought the urge to exaggerate to come up with my percentages.
i totally would have exaggerated if i were evaluating reasonable accounting estimates at the fund level of government...wait, i don't know what that means. you're smart
I too am curious of your formula. A bad friend could have said, "I don't live in Dallas anymore, I'm back in Michigan." That would have been true, but you chose to drive down to Waco (which I don't recommend to anyone) to have a fun night. I give myself a bullshit reason why I don't keep in touch with everyone, a four-hour time difference seems to help in this, but the fact of the matter is if I wanted to call someone, it wouldn't take much effort to connect. The fact that you've stayed in touch with friends from Cali to Washington, to Alaska, and back to Michigan is impressive, but also unprecedented. Let's say you give 80% into a friendship, that means the rest of us gives up at most 40%. In the words of Betty White (trust me, she sang this) "Thank you for being a friend."
Thank you for the nice comments. Maybe I overstated the friendship estimate a little. Like I said, I am not feeling depressed or down. I simply think that it is time for me to realize my weaknesses and work on them. Part II of the series about myself is coming soon.
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